How Does She Do It?
Q+A About Women Juggling a Full Life
I work with many women who are very high-functioning and have achieved a lot but never feel at ease within themselves. They often feel like they are never enough or that they are behind because they haven’t hit goals that they set for themselves that are so high, nearly no one could accomplish them. They are reaching for the stars as a mom, partner, employee, business owner, friend, and individual. They want to be excellent at everything but feel like they are constantly falling short, despite evidence to the contrary.
Below are the 10 most common questions I hear from these women and answers that might help you identify if you too, are a driven women with a side of self-doubt.
Why am I anxious when my life is objectively good?
Anxiety doesn’t take account of your circumstances. It’s largely driven by your thoughts. So, if you got a raise at work but the same day you got a phone call from your mom about holiday plans, anxiety might override the good thing with worry about seeing your cousin who you had a conflict with recently. It’s very difficult to counter anxiety with simple awareness of what is going right in your life. It takes more targeted support in reorienting the thought processes that is driving your anxiety.
Is my anxiety the reason I succeed?
In part, probably. Anxiety is a powerful driver but it’s also possible to be successful without anxiety. If your success feels like a product of stress, it’s likely driven by anxiety. If it feels calm and steady, it may be more related to your consistency in putting effort toward your goals.
Why can’t I stop overthinking or replaying conversations?
Ruminations and self-doubt are primary markers of social anxiety. If you find yourself going around and around about conversations, feeling negatively toward yourself, or analyzing every detail of your interactions, low self-esteem and social anxiety are likely at play. It is actually quite common for high-achieving women to struggle with these things. In part, it’s their low self-image that drives them to pursue more or improve on what they are already doing. Therapy is an excellent way to identify where your self-image is causing distress and how to replace negative thinking with positive self-image.
Why am I always planning 10 steps ahead?
Planners are often looking for control. Sure, it feels like if you don’t look ahead, no one else will and you’ll be woefully unprepared in a critical moment. The reality, however; usually lies in motivation to feel in control of something that is controllable. Most of us have had negative experiences that were completely out of our control and it’s human nature to reach for something steady when we are swimming in uncertainty. Whether you are in a partnership that feels painful, you’re navigating infertility, or you simply feel like you are barely holding it together with a schedule that feels out of control, we all seek grounding when things feel off. Planning minute details for your child’s birthday party that’s 2 months out is one way to feel a sense of security in the midst of overwhelm and uncertainty.
Why is it so hard for me to relax?
Getting still often puts us in the face of difficult feelings and if you run anxious, it’s common to avoid relaxing in order to avoid feeling your anxiety. When our bodies slow down, our minds often speed up. The mental chatter about all the things you “should” be doing may make it difficult to actually find downtime relaxing and can be accompanied by feelings of guilt. You deserve to rest. It takes intentional effort to communicate this to yourself and tolerate the discomfort of rest until it becomes easier.
Why do I feel like I have to do everything? I can’t delegate.
This is also often tied to a desire for control. If you are the one doing everything, you have more control over the outcome. You’re making more decisions and steering the ship, even if you’re exhausted doing it. Some people do this because of hyper-independence or a feeling that they can’t count on other people, which can stem from broken trust in one’s past. Being the most responsible person in the room isn’t a bad thing but it can indicate inadequate primary caregiving relationships from one’s childhood that didn’t provide enough security to teach you that it’s safe to ask for and receive help. This obviously comes with a higher level of anxiety and distrust of others to pull their weight, be it at work, in relationships, or at home.
Why does no one realize I’m struggling? I look put together externally but I’m constantly overwhelmed.
If course you look put together. In many ways you have designed your life to look put together. You want people to see you as competent, responsible, and strong. You can handle yourself and your life and it shows. Your struggle is likely silent and unfortunately, most people don’t extend awareness that far beyond their own experience’s day-to-day. People are largely self-focused and most people are overwhelmed in the day-to-day, leaving them very little capacity for awareness of others, much less the ability to reach out and offer support. This is an unfortunate reality of the culture of independence and isolation we live in. If you are asking for support directly and not getting it, maybe it’s worth a conversation about feeling unseen. Depending on the health of that relationship, that might bring enough awareness to the person that you aren’t simply struggling in a moment in time but are needing broader care and support.
Why do I still feel like I’ve never done enough? Why do I struggle with imposter syndrome?
Most people who are driven and achievement oriented are successful because of the very high standards they set for themselves. There’s nothing wrong with having high standards but if that standard is a moving target, you’re bound to feel like you can never reach it. This is very similar to wealth building. Most people assume their lives will feel radically better when they have X amount of money. Once they get that amount of money, their expenditures also increase to meet what’s now available, leaving them feeling less financially secure than they imagined they would. The threshold for financial contentment moves a little higher and a little higher with every achievement. The same is true for your sense of enough when it comes to your achievements and output in your life. Learning to really feel good about where you are currently and find contentment within yourself can be challenging but the more you practice it, the less you will find yourself running the endless hamster wheel of ‘never enough’.
Where does this come from? Is it personality or conditioning?
This is the tried-and-true conversation of nature vs nurture and it should be no surprise that the answer is both. You may very well have a sibling who grew up in the same environment and doesn’t struggle at all with achievement-based anxiety, perfectionism, or feelings of inadequacy despite having achieved considerably less than you. Your personality is like a plant that you were born with and sets the stage for how you are going to respond to your environment. The conditioning or nurture you receive, is the fertilizer that determines how it grows. You can read about the orchid/dandelion/tulip theory here to understand this more fully.
How do I fix this without losing my drive?
First, I would suggest that you don’t look at it as a problem to be fixed. That puts you right back in the rat race of needing to achieve something to be okay. Acceptance is the starting point. Offer yourself kindness about the person you are and the ways you have adapted to your environments over the years to become the highly capable person that you are today. Once you can accept yourself as you are and express gratitude for the ways your adaptations have served you, you can start taking small, intentionally actions to retrain your brain toward rest and contentment.
Mindfulness and meditation is one way to do this. I love the app insight timer for this. It offers guided meditations that you can search by topic, like anxiety, to support you in grounding in the present. You may also practice restful activities that are more tolerable than lying on a beach with a book. Going for a nature walk without your phone keeps you physically in motion but removes you from your to-do list for a while. Communication is another imperative practice. Talking to the people you do trust, even if just a little, is critical. Be honest about how overwhelmed you are and brainstorm what support might look like practically. Practice allowing yourself to receive support and learn to tolerate the initial discomfort that will inevitably arise.
These are just a few suggestions that can actually make a significant impact on your overall wellbeing when practiced consistently. You’ve got to water the plant of contentment, self-worth, and satisfaction consistently if you want it to grow.
If you could use personalized and expert support navigating these changes, please reach out to me here. I would love to be a support on your path to freedom.